Survival and Love and Loneliness

Updated

I love most days. I get to spend the entire day hanging out with two little people, two little boys, who I love a lot. They are amazing. Every little thing they learn and do is incredible to me. I get to see it all and I am so grateful.

Most days are hard. These two little boys can be challenging little creatures. Surprisingly, they don’t always do what I want them to do!

I like to nap, especially when I have been up a couple times during the night. My dear husband lets me sleep in every morning while he gets up with the older one and feeds him breakfast and takes him and the dog for a walk. But every time I think I can have a nap the little one wakes up! And then he will fall asleep for a super long nap when the older one wakes up from his nap. Which is nice for me to spend time with Brody but is heartbreaking to have missed out on a nap! And anyone who knows how much I love a nap knows how heartbreaking that is!  The baby has been eating every 1-2 hours for the past 2 days, which is exhausting and means that I have to eat just as often to keep up with the demand! Often he will only sleep when I am bouncing him and he knows the exact second I try to sit down for a break. How does he do that?

Our little person, the older boy, is starting to say words. It is amazing! He is actually responding to the things that I say! He can finally understand! But he can’t quite answer yet. And there are times I just wish for a conversation with a person who can answer back. So when my husband comes home from work, I tend to say everything I have wanted to say all day! It is an earful for him! There are still many elements of miscommunication with the older baby. He indicated he wanted to go for a walk by pointing to his stroller but then when we were out for a walk he did not seem like he was enjoying himself as he whined and cried most of the time. Actually, there are times when he does that for a long period of time and it can feel very long! But then he goes to bed for a nap and usually walks up as usually self…happy, smiling and laughing. His toys cover the floors in every room…and not only toys but every other thing that can be pulled onto the floor. I wrestle him away from opening and emptying every drawer in the kitchen. He’s getting strong but he is also learning what ‘no’ or ‘nem’ (no in Hungarian) is and will clearly say it repeatedly! I think he does know what it means! He has started standing up and running around on the couch. He is actually climbing on everything. Part of me is so excited that he is learning this skill and taking these risks, but the other part of me has a little heart attack every time he does something where he could fall and hurt himself.

Eating is important to me. I don’t do well when I am hungry and since I am breastfeeding, I am hungry ALL THE TIME.  I am trying to avoid cow’s milk protein because the baby seems to have difficulty processing it. Who knew cow’s milk protein was in EVERYTHING?!! It can be hard to find foods that I can eat quickly and one-handed. I eat a lot of peanut butter, cereal, and bananas which is good since those are my favorite foods!

So many people advise to “sleep when the baby sleeps” and “enjoy every minute because it goes by so quickly” and “don’t worry about the cleaning” but sometimes the baby doesn’t sleep and one day seems like an eternity and we need clean dishes and clean clothes. And it gets lonely. Trying to have an adult conversation is nearly impossible with the little ones around…they cry loud and need LOTS of attention. Sometimes  I think I am forgetting how to have conversations with adults because I feel like I can’t form the proper words and sentences. That might also be because my brain is full of information about caring for children and all the other brain cells are gone but hopefully will return one day!

So despite the joy and gratefulness and love for these two little boys, I am in survival mode. Survival means leaving all the toys where they land and maybe picking them up later but usually I just don’t have the energy. Survival means giving him bread and peanut butter to eat for lunch most days because it is easy and I know he will eat it and not give it to the dog. Survival means the baby wears his pajamas all day and using a wet wipe when he only spits up a little bit.

And despite the times when things are hard, there are always the beautiful moments that make it all easy again. The little one will smile and laugh when I talk to him. The older one learned how to give kisses and wants to give his baby brother many, many kisses. He loves his little brother so much. And the little one loves watching his older brother. And I love them both.